Childfree by choice lifestyle

Anonymous - What a great question. And to those who've replied - thanks for a respectful, supportive and positive discussion. Hopefully this forum will stay so positive and supportive. My wife and I are child free by choice, both age 52 and married since 27.

Anonymous - be comforted in knowing you're not alone. It's good to acknowledge that it can be difficult to maintain friendships as life changes. This also applies to siblings where some siblings have children and others don't. I think it helped us to accept that some friendships would change and may never be the same, and being o.k. with that. Other friendships will sustain based on the foundation you have together and mutual interest in maintaining those friendships. Be open to new friendships and be o.k. having friendships outside of your age group. Many of our friends have spread out across the country, and the friendships that have stood the test of time benefited from actual phone calls (at least every couple months) and in person meetups (at least every few years). Some friends weren't able to do as much when their kids were very young, and some of the meet-ups during those years were less rewarding but improved later as kids became more adaptable and independent.

We have found that being child free has at times allowed us to give a little more time or energey to our friendships and other family relationships as we have the flexibilty to meet people on their terms. I've noticed the same with single friends who have so many deep and meaningful friendships as they can share more of their time with a variety of people.

For my wife and I, investing in our relationship has provided the greatest return of any investment we've made. The best time and money we've ever spent has been on vacations and experiences together, sharing the memory dividends for life.

As with any friendship - both sides need to make an effort for it to work. When I talk to friends I try to ask for updates on each of their kids and be supportive and understanding of their challenges, celebrate their successes and give genuine praise for their parenting skills and genuine compliments regarding their kids. Avoid criticism or complaining as they do not help a friendship.

Good luck!

I'm 58 and child-free by choice, as is my husband who is 61 (we got married later in life). I believe that one can have a TOTALLY fulfilling life either with or without kids. If I'm honest, I do assume that "with kids" probably notches up the fulfillment a bit. But again, I believe you can have a super fulfilling life without kids. I know I have -- I freaking LOVE my life! And for sure, we got to FI way sooner because of our child-free status.

I hate to say this, but I've seen lots of friends and co-workers who have had extremely challenging times with their kids. One co-worker said to me, when a different co-worker brought in her new baby something like "I just want to tell her, be careful, because kids can break your heart". I was like, "Damn! There's some honesty you don't hear very much!" Apparently, it's not necessarily always as idyllic as it can seem.

I have friends with kids and friends with no kids. Most of my friends' kids are now old enough to be more independent which is nice for the parents.

There are going to be things they envy about your life - and vice versa. There's a give and take to every choice. I hope you feel good about YOUR choice and embrace the lifestyle as is!

There is a FB group you might be interested in:

www.facebook.com

"created for individuals who are CHILDFREE and interested in achieving financial independence while exploring various financial aspects from a childfree perspective"

Hi! Husband (43) and I (40) are childfree by choice. We are at the age where some of our friends have older kids going off to college and some friends just starting to have children . Just here to say - you are not alone. I’ve found it helpful to find other childfree by choice couples to hang out with so that when we hang out with friends or family with kids it feels more balanced . I found a great set of friends thru a local Childfree by Choice Facebook group in Seattle, and recently a brand new platform just launched called DINK Social where Childree couples can make profiles and meet other like minded couples online. So definitely use the power of the internet to find us!

In terms of maintaining friendships with friends who have children … I am honest with everyone that I am not a fan of babies and small children. I find it hard to be around them for any length of time, and find it hard to be around parents who are so consumed with being parents to small children. So I commit to checking in with those friends via text, I am understanding / don’t take it personally when they don’t reply, offer to talk on the phone whenever works for their schedule , and if we hang in person with the kids around I let them know I’m only going to stay for a short amount of time because it’s hard for me to be around kids. They are usually super understanding. I’ll offer to help them in other ways (do they need someone to run to the store and grab them something? Sounds like the perfect job for me). Once the kids are older (like around 6yrs+) I start to offer to spend more time with the kids and build a relationship with them, do activities with them etc .

Some parents like to hang with me because they need a break from their kids , and others are always a package deal with their families. Just have to accept them as they are. And if I’ve learned anything, it’s always be supportive and NEVER judgmental.

is it perfect? No. I’ve been this way my whole life and I’m still paranoid I’m alienating people because I don’t like to be around small kids. But finding like minded friends has really really really helped.

You got this!

For me, as a parent, what has worked is consistently offering to hang out with the family or include the kids - but also still having some adult only time. Without reassurance or that clear offer that the Kids are welcome, I feel like I’m imposing on friends without kids. This post makes me happy!

Wow!!! I love this question and love that you asked!

Personally, as a single mom to three, my #1 goal with my child free friends was to escape my children so I never wanted “help” with my kids or even to have my child-free friends to necessarily try to interact with them. I valued our time together as separate part of my life, where I could feel like an individual instead of like ‘just a mom”.

I especially agree with the dad who posted here- asking about parenting as part of their lives and being careful/gentle about being judgmental. One of my best friends who is child free always makes me feel good when she tells that she appreciates that I’m raising ‘humans’ who are thoughtful and socially minded. It’s one of my values so it makes a big difference that she sees that and comments on it - and honestly she’s one of my only friends who does this, even my friends who do have kids!

Thanks again for asking this question!

Lisa

Make an effort to spend time with their kids, even if it’s just playing or chatting with them when you are all together. Take an interest in their kids. Continue inviting them to do things either without kids or an open invitation of “you can bring the kids or come on your own, whichever works!” Hope this helps! I’m in the same boat 😊

You get to be the fun aunt/uncle!

As a mother of a three year old, I would say;

Text often/ text before calling - unless you’re aware of nap type schedules. And follow up- I so often thought I hit send but didn’t

Be available for the errand hang- do mundane things together like go to the grocery store, play outside- it’s so nice to just be around another adult even if it’s running errands together or chatting while the kids play on the playground

If it’s a couple situation- suggest an afternoon out for you and your friend where their partner stays home and takes point on the kids- I’m not so down to go out in the evenings anymore, because my son will be up at six and I know it, but Saturday afternoon- I’m totally game!

Encourage hobbies: ask what non-parenting activities they’ve been up to; read any good books lately, what did you think of that show/episode, find any cool rocks on your last walk? Engage their non parent side.

be interested in the child’s development- staying friends means the little one is part of the group now; be a listening ear- not a problem solver, or ask if they want suggestions first. Your friend is learning to be a parent- it’s a tough adjustment.

Have fun!

Would you mind if I also flipped this? From your perspective as someone who is childfree, what advice would you have for parents who want to keep strong relationships with those who don't have kids?

This is such a considerate, heartfelt question, and I've wondered similar from the other side as a dad of two. Here are a few things that come to mind...

There is a level of families being a package deal, and the parents will overall set that boundary and level. That can often be more distant at first, as parents get to know you and figure out your comfort level with you and their family unit—and as they figure out their comfort level with giving you vantage on what can sometimes be messy and difficult. That's nothing against you, but a protectiveness that parents often feel not only for their kids, but their time and sense of self.

One thing that we've found frustrating as parents is when friends who don't have kids try to set themselves up as the "cool aunt/uncle".... but they never do anything with the kids. It's one thing to be friends adult to adult, and there's never an obligation to build any sort of bond with the kids in that friend set. But if you position yourself as that honorary aunt/uncle, that comes with a willingness to set up activities with the kids, or at least engage with them in conversation or play.

Parents will have more limitations or sudden changes in schedule. That comes with anything from someone in the family getting sick, to things like activity commitments such as sports or music. A lot of parents can't necessarily do something on the fly, and it helps to set up a get-together more in advance.

Nothing gets parental hackles up, and creates distance, like someone who doesn't have kids being judgmental about parents or kids. And when you are a parent, your spidey sense of judgment never stops going off, whether that's from the media, the school staff, or other parents.

If there's something about parenting or kids you want to discuss, it's far more productive to come at it from a clear and apparent place of curiosity and presumption of competence. As a dad, I'm happy to talk about my perspective and experience. If it's with someone who doesn't have kids, I need to know that conversation is coming from a place of openmindedness. For example, "hey, I heard this news story about XYZ with kids. How's that been at play in your family?", or "from my perspective, that situation looked really hard to deal with just now, how in the world did you figure out what your kid needed?"

Parents may need to focus their friend bond, and their limited time and energy, on particular shared interests, especially depending on what's up in that season of life. Doesn't matter if it's sports, religion, food, whatever, but there may be periods where that's the bulk of your interactions and time together. That will have nothing to do with you or how those parents feel about you. It's about them managing limited time and energy, especially when they have infants/toddlers. (For me personally, when our daughter turned 3, I told my wife that all this bandwidth came back on board in my brain.)

Little things help so much. Bring a snack everyone likes. Offer to push the kid on a swing or take them for a walk. Especially for older kids, engage them in conversation about their interests, and always remember, including from your own childhood, that every kid has a built-in grown-up BS meter. They know when an adult is doing a few obligatory adult-to-child questions and talking points before ignoring the kid the rest of the time.

I'm so appreciative that you've asked this, and I hope some of my albeit limited perspective as a dad helps. It's so clear how much you care and want to make these friendships happen. I hope those parents you seek to build bonds with are seeing how much you care about making and keeping these connections.

I was there 18 years ago and we were able to maintain a great group of friends that all have children. At times it was frustrating and often annoying how conversations are all about the kids but by taking an interest in their children’s lives and having so much patience for the day all the kids are grown up, it’s finally happening! I now love that I’ve been on the sideline of all these kids lives and they love giving us rides when needed :) I think we only have 3 left to send off to college out of that group and our other tribe of friends still have some younger children but we are well on our way to having all adult kids in all of our circles of friends! I used to wonder if there were local groups for kid free couples and how to meet other couples without children but never came across any. We must be rare…